When Motivation Hinders You
"Why do we do things even when we know that aren't good for us?"
There can be a multitude of reasons 'why' you are or aren't 'doing the thing'.
There could be a limiting decision that you made as a child that has underpinned the beliefs you hold about yourself and what is possible for you.
There could be confusion you hold about the purpose of the task that is sitting in front of you, asking to be completed.
Perhaps the task in front of you simply doesn't interest you.
Or, there could be a secondary gain you are receiving from not doing the thing.
Secondary Gain
A secondary gain is an indirect benefit that you receive from a behaviour. Often, a secondary gain is received without you even consciously realising that you are receiving it. The secondary gain you receive creates an unconscious motivation for you to continue your current pattern of behaviour, despite how much you 'logically' say to yourself, 'I need to do it...'.
Case Study
Jenny was a runner (long distance, marathons etc), and she was great at it. One day she sprained her ankle. As she was waiting for her ankle to recover, she would find herself saying to people, 'I love running, I do marathons, but I have sprained my ankle so I am not running at the moment.' She got reactions such as, 'OMG! That is horrible!', 'Are you ok?', or, 'Is there anything I can do for you?'.
Jenny became more and more used to telling this story, and receiving these reactions from those she told. These reactions would help her feel cared for, seen, understood, comforted. Once her ankle had fully recovered, she didn't start running again, she continued telling the story, continued receiving the reactions, continued feeling cared for. This is the secondary gain that Jenny was receiving. Without being consciously aware of it, these reactions from others were creating an unconscious motivator for her to continue to avoid getting back out there and running. The longer she didn't, the more she would receive the feelings of being cared for.
Now, is what Jenny doing, wrong? Absolutely not.
Was Jenny going this consciously? Absolutely not.
Did Jenny want more than anything to go on a run again? YES!!!!
The fascinating thing about secondary gain is that when you actually interrogate the 'gain' you may find that it is actually NOT ENOUGH of a gain to hold yourself back from 'doing the thing' anymore. Once you are conscious to it, you can make a choice.
Protocol
Reflect on your secondary gain:
Think of something you wish you were doing but you just aren't. (Writing the blog, going on a run, asking for help)
Consider what you are gaining by NOT doing it. (I tell people, 'life's hard' and they agree with me. I tell people, 'I sprained my ankle' and they console me. I don't ask for help and it means I tell myself, 'I'm independent'.)
Ask yourself, is this 'benefit' worth me NOT going after my goals and aspirations? (Hint: it is rarely worth holding yourself back for).
